Swipe and Scroll

I’m 73 and recently found myself single. My friends and daughters find this unacceptable. Please understand. I’m a 20^th century guy stuck in a 21^st century world. In this world, there is nothing that a computer can’t do for you. Yep, online dating is all the rage among us “new singles.” Poof, there I was signed up on Match.com.  Apparently, personal contact, eyes meeting, slow dancing are now passé. Swiping and scrolling are the methods of choice. Does this really work? The 1^st thing I learned is PEOPLE LIE!! I understand the desire to appear attractive, appealing. But, when you finally meet do they think the other won’t notice? C’mon man. Suggestions to women showing pics: Don’t wear your cheerleader outfit….dead giveaway. And don’t pose with your adult younger daughter. Hell, I’ll take her (so I’m weak). 

I learned most profiles are from the same script. Everyone is friendly, easygoing, warm, and honest. Family, friends, and a healthy lifestyle are very important. Likes: walks on the beach, bike rides, fine dining, great wine, cooking, travel, cats, dogs, and horses. Oh yes, exercise 10 days/week. Looking for their best friend and at last love. Must be a gentleman, honest, caring, attentive, affectionate, $ secure, interested in long term only, and wear a big red S on his costume. 

By now, you must be wondering how I gathered all these treasures. Personal experience, how else? I will spare you the online dialogues and phone calls and describe 2 meetings. 

The 1^st was a “young” lady whose photo was absolutely adorable. We had some things in common and decided to meet. It was happy hour. I arrived 1^st. I noticed a lady approaching my table. I wondered….nah…couldn’t be…..it was! Clearly, she left out a decade…..or 2. Oh well, just make the best of it….be nice. The conversation was OK, I think. I really wasn’t listening. I kept asking myself, “Gary, could you be intimate with this woman? Be honest………………Nope! (told you I’m weak)” 3 drinks later. “Well? NNNNNNNope!” (very weak). Check please.

The 2^nd had pretty much the same beginning. Lovely photo, similar likes, articulate, intelligent. Decided to meet. This time in a park. Her suggestion. Very nice. Attractive. Conversation was OK, uneventful. My history. Her history. Seemed honest and open. I decided, because it had come up in other contacts, to declare my political leanings. I know, I know. 1^st rule, never discuss politics or religion on 1^st date. It’s more important than I would prefer. Politics front and center. So I decided to get it out of the way. I said the words “pro Trump.” It was if I had set her hair on fire. She leaned back in horror to avoid getting cooties. Screaming at me “But he’s a fool, a Russian spy, a womanizing racist. He tried to inject us with bleach!” The next thing I saw was the back of her head as she walked briskly away……..so as not to be further contaminated. 

For me, honestly, I don’t have the patience for this. I updated my profile to include words like conservative, Trump. I expect few, if any, more “likes.” If we’re going to get along, or not, let’s find out sooner than later. I intend to let my membership expire and trust my friends and kismet rather than swiping and scrolling.

So here’s what I added to my profile:

“There is info about me I left out of my original profile because I didn’t think it was relevant. I was wrong. I make no apologies. First, I am fervently pro Trump. Second, I am unvaccinated by choice. I am also healthy and have tested negative several times. Those decisions are not connected. Health and politics need not mix. I have solid reasons for both. Nevertheless, they will turn off most. I understand. Let’s not waste each other’s time. We are all looking for a new, comfortable relationship. It begins with similar goals, needs, and outlooks. Unfortunately, in the world we live in, both those choices are crucial to that end.“

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